


In Order To Love Someone

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-04
Updated: 2013-08-04
Packaged: 2017-12-22 10:44:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/912276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He thought differently. And he lost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Order To Love Someone

Alone in the sleeping quarters, the two of you sit next to each other. He has asked to speak with you, and you have obliged. Denying him anything has always been difficult, and you will always welcome a moment of privacy with him.

The quarters are big, and unused now during dinner hours. There is little to distract you or him, other than each other’s presence.

He hasn’t said what he wanted to talk about yet, but has only spoken about normal gossip. Now he is talking about something he overheard Sasha and Connie talk about, and you smile and appreciate the story. When he comes to the punch line, you laugh. When you settle down, you notice that he is staring.

A rare smile on his face brings out that vague shade of green in his light eyes, and you stare back, mesmerized.

He moves closer and puts his hand over yours, where it is lying on the bed between your thighs. You stare down, watching his one shade darker skin cover your pale flesh. When you look back up, his face is even closer,

You wonder what he is doing. You have an unlikely guess, but only thinking about it makes you feel ashamed of your arrogance. It may be the only thing which can explain this proximity, and those hauntingly beautiful eyes staring at you so intently, but it is illogical nevertheless. There is no reason for someone like  _him_  to be interested in someone like  _you_. You know this, and have since long accepted it. He must know it as well.

So why is he closing his eyes? Why is he leaning towards you? Why is he squeezing your hand, and pressing his lips against yours in a shaky, cautious kiss?

You are frail and unworthy. He is dauntless and invaluable. Somehow he has allowed a coward like you to follow him through the years, but his charity in taking care of a burden does not warrant this. Someone as admirable as him shouldn’t be kissing someone as insignificant as you. 

To save him, you break off the kiss. He looks hurt, and you can’t fathom why.

"Was it bad?" he asks you. His eyebrows are knitted in a frown, and he lets go of gripping your hand. 

You don’t know how to answer him, so you open your mouth and leave it there, waiting for words to follow naturally. They fail you, so you just stare at him with your dumb expression.

He breaks you eye contact, and you feel cheated. Then he says, with a baseless pain in his voice; “Or is it that you don’t feel that way for me…"

There is a question innate in those words, but he says it like a statement, and you still have no way to form an answer. You feel like you have failed him, when he removes his hand altogether. 

"I am sorry, Armin," he says. Then he gets up from the bed, and is near leaving, when you finally remember how to speak.

"What for?” Your surprise is genuine, but he appears startled at it.

"For kissing you when you didn’t want it, what else?" he tells you, more harshly, and frowning again.

He has always been an angry boy. Saving you, he did by using rage as a tool. Motivating him through all of the training, he does by channeling his anger. All of his negative emotions, he will turn into hatred, and every time you have seen him cry he has been yelling or shaking his fists, rather than sob like you do. 

Rarely have you seen him sad. 

At first, you barely recognize it, until you manage to look into his eyes again. You see the light eyes coloured grey as steel, and you notice how his eyebrows are lowered in a show of defeat. And you know that you alone have caused him this grief.

"I am sorry," you tell him, and you wish that it was enough. You wish that those words can make him smile, that your apology will brighten his world. But more than that, you wish that you could let him kiss you with a clean conscience.

He deserves better. He will find better. You must want him to, and know that it is fair. Even though your heart beckons you to give in to the love which has been unjustly offered.

Wordlessly, he exits the room. You remain where he leaves you, and stop yourself from mindlessly following. Wishing you were stronger.

 


End file.
